Today God moved me to consider the spirit of obsession He built into my wiring. At first, I wondered if it was something I should surrender, if I could fix it somehow. Classic control freak. Then I recalled how it was there as a child. How it had always been there. Maybe that’s how He intended it.
As a girl, I took delight in mapping out my future. Full detail. Super precocious, and charming of course. Although, something disturbed me when it caught my attention today, as I pondered. It was the smallness of my tiny vision.
As a child, with the rest of my life still ahead, my best years yet to come… this glitch in my wiring could have easily been channeled into something with promise. Anything. But I dreamed of McDonald’s.
I would work there and rent a studio apartment for $300 or so, making little more than minimum wage (at the time just barely $5 an hour… maybe less.) All according to my strict timeline. I used newspaper ads to build my research, and I had a five-year plan at the ripe age of twelve. But I didn’t plan for school. College wasn’t part of the dream.
I didn’t leave much room for trial and error in my rigid plan. But I did most of what I set out to do exactly as I had intended. The fact that no one thought I actually would just ensured my pre-written fate. I was more determined than ever to prove I could run my own life. My only goal. And a poor one. But I did it.
By this time, I had acquired many things on which to fixate my attention. I moved from one fixation to next, quite effortlessly. I was always armed with something to obsess- or someone. I guess it was my way of coping with the very little to no control I had over anything at all. I micromanaged my own little space, where no one was allowed to come all the way in. Sounds dreamy, doesn’t it?
And well, it was in a way. I grew accustomed to a life that was trapped inside my own head. A perpetual daydream. Where I made the rules. Can I point out the obvious? The world I invented didn’t really exist. And I was quite lonely really. I should furthermore remind you of the smallness of vision that ordered my steps. That is, until God…
“But God,” quoted famously as the pattern interrupt to save life after life. Over and over. “But God.” I’m no different than the others. God rewrote my script. Which leaves me here today pondering the possibilities at the thought of surrender, over this life-long crutch of mine. That’s when God stirs in my heart. Once again He is speaking. I listen.
It’s difficult for me to share anything I’ve learned without touching on lessons I’ve learned from a person or book, in some way or another. Recently, I read a book called “Whisper” by Mark Batterson. He mentioned a similar feeling over his competitive streak. I discover here in this moment of stirring as I lean into God, He could be inviting me to a call that looks different that the one that I’ve been expecting. Could the thing I’ve spent my entire life fighting be the very thing that He wants to use for His glory? Maybe He doesn’t so much wish to remove it, but rather to sanctify it. And use it.
God gave Paul a thorn in his flesh. Three times he pleaded with the Lord to remove it. But he didn’t. Perhaps this is mine. And that’s okay with me Lord. Maybe my quirky obsessions were part of Your plan. Built into YOUR vision- made for glory. YOUR glory. Something altogether bigger than me.
Can I be too obsessed with God and His heart? His people and ways? I think not!
May my obsession be for You alone, my Lord. And my God. You are God enough for me. Even me, as me.
Let me “fix” my eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of my faith… Hebrews 12:2
Can you relate to my struggle?
Friend, if you answered yes, can I tell you… you were made for more… so much more!! Perhaps the very thing that’s been in your way, God would love nothing more than to turn it inside out and upside down to turn your whole life around. Maybe, just maybe He’s hiding your very best and biggest smiles inside the very same bottomless pit you call your frown. Maybe the place you don’t want to look is exactly where you’ll find your joy.
Just look to your Maker. The answers you seek just may be hidden in the way that He made you. He’s laid out a path that’s intended to lead you to Him. And He won’t let you down. That’s a promise, my friend. And brace yourself for a game changer. Cause it’s not a promise from me, but from God.
He is faithful. Will you let Him show you just how faithful He is? Take hold of the promise. He has set eternity in Your heart, dear sister. Have you laid hold of that fact? It’s there to teach you how to grab hold of your Maker. Will you go to Him… with your whole heart? He’s faithfully waiting to receive you. With arms wide open, just as you are.
“It’s how He made you.”